I don’t know what my parenting style is. I’ve read (okay, skimmed) a bunch of books about different methods of child-rearing, but none of them has ever really hit the mark for me. I’m just making it up as I go along, doing what I think is best, and crossing my fingers that one day therapy will fix whatever I’m breaking now.
I do have one major parenting rule for myself though: Don’t make promises I can’t keep.
For example, we were supposed to go to the park tonight to see a children’s musical performance. Unfortunately, the show was cancelled at the last minute—but I hadn’t told my son that we were going to a show. I only told him we were going “somewhere fun.” We went to the park. He rode his scooter around, climbed on things, and kicked a soccer ball around with his dad. Then we got some ice cream. We went somewhere fun—exactly like I told him. There was no disappointment over missing the show and no tantrum because what he expected to happen, didn’t happen.
Someday, I’ll apply this rule to big things too. Did you see that movie Boyhood? There’s a scene where the boy finds out that his dad sold the totally rad GTO he’d promised to give him when he turned 16. The poor kid is devastated. The look on his face just slays me. The dad doesn’t even remember making the promise and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. But for the kid, this is a big moment. His heart has been broken—and worse—by his own father. He loses trust in his dad and soon realizes that the super-cool, hot rod-driving dad he has spent his childhood idolizing is actually kind of a jerk. It’s the end of the innocence.
Okay, I know some of you are thinking that maybe it’s not always the best thing. My boy will suffer some disappointments in his life, and I can’t insulate him from all of them. I agree with you. He needs to know that he can’t always have it his way. I say no to things he asks for all the time. Pony? No. iPad? Nope. A robot that plays the drums? Not a chance.
But what my son also needs to know is that he can trust me. To me, nothing causes heartbreak quite like broken promises.
So, yeah, I don’t know what style of parenting that is. I just know that I want my son to know that he can count on me—so I do my best to avoid promising him anything I might not be able to deliver.
