Ways to Reach Out To—and Support—a Special Needs Family

“Well, what CAN we say then?”

In response to a post I wrote a couple of months back (if you missed it, you can find it here), I received this comment several times. People want to be supportive, strike up a conversation, or get to know you better, and they—unknowingly—choose words that sting a little. I have heard from others that they see many posts that advise on what NOT to say, but few that explain what we actually want to hear. This makes me a little sad as I don’t want to further ostracize us by being perceived as unapproachable! I truly love people and want others to feel comfortable talking to my daughter and me.

So, here are a few simple tips for approaching and supporting children with special needs and their loved ones:

• The most important thing you can remember is that we are more alike than different. Keep in mind that the child with disabilities that you are approaching simply deserves the respect and dignity you’d give any typical human. Opening with “What’s wrong with you/him/her?” is never going to be well-received. You would never walk up to a stranger and ask them why they’re overweight or what they were thinking with their haircut choice, would you? Instead of leading with your curiosity, “Hi!” or “How are you?” would be much better.
• Always, always always speak to the child—regardless of whether it seems to you that they are capable of understanding. Presuming competence is the ultimate rule when it comes to special needs children. It’s never ok to talk to their parents about them as if they’re not there. As with any kid, you cannot go wrong with a compliment on their cool shoes, rockin wheels, nice outfit, cute glasses, etc.
• If you’ve struck up a conversation and feel it’s going well, you can ask the adult if they mind your asking about their child. Most parents in the special needs community are pretty open to sharing, but some of us are a bit more private. This inquiry gives those folks the opportunity to politely decline. If we choose to open up to you, please never make “the sad face” or tell us you’re sorry. This feels like pity and makes things incredibly awkward for all involved. If you want to convey compassion or admiration, a well-placed compliment such as, “Well, she seems like an awesome kid!” or “It sounds like you’re a great mom to him!” would be a terrific way to do that.
• The exception to all of this is the natural curiosity of your own children. They do not yet understand complex social etiquette and are learning about the world through their questions. Please don’t shush them or shuffle them away from us for saying something “rude.” This reinforces the idea of disability as “other” and taboo. Bring them over and introduce them to my child while pointing out something they have in common!

Lastly, to my fellow parents and loved ones of someone with special needs—I truly believe that, mostly, people want to find meaningful ways to connect, and they just don’t always know what to say. I think responding in a way that makes people feel defensive or ashamed makes them less likely to want to connect in our community and turns away potential allies and advocates. We want a better, more understanding world for our kids, awareness for their condition, and disability acceptance. We can’t make that happen by shaming people for their choice of words. I’d like to encourage all of us to take the opportunity to educate people in the kindest way possible. To do that, I think we have to let our defenses down a bit and see the heart behind the words. Sure—there are some nosy jerks in the world, but I do believe that most people have good intentions and would love nothing more than to seek friendship.